everyone around me

seems so shady

all these thoughts

in my head

driving me crazy

lol

okie so i jus made that up but thats really kinda how im feeling at the moment... and lately... eh :/

im thinking these thoughts that i probably shouldnt be thinking, and yeah, i do feel kinda bad for having these thoughts but then at the same time the thoughts make me smile, and i get this crazy feeling. a sense of calmness.

this might sound a little corny, or whatever you want to consider it, but i think im happiest when im consumed by thoughts of the past. the thoughts of the times when everything was good, and my life was going in the right direction. as compared to my life now, which seems to have taken an abrupt halt.

heh he thinks i said something to someone that i shouldnt have... what could i have said for him to think that? o.O i mean, yeah i used to talk about him all the time. he was the only thing ever on my mind, i couldnt help it. but it hurts for him to think that. it hurts that after all this time he doesnt trust me, or even know me well enough to know how much i loved him. to know that i would NEVER do anything to hrut him. the only thing i ever said about him that wasnt "aww he sounds amazing" material was when i would be all down, feeling like i didnt exist :( but heh thats how i felt. i mean honestly how would you feel if your boyfriend didnt talk to you for days? or weeks? or a month?? he kept saying he wouldnt stay gone that long anymore but :( then a couple days turned into a month, and im sorry but i just cant take that. i loved talking to him. he was my life. he's the only one of whoms name i looked for whenever i came online. hes the reason i stayed signed in all night long, every day. i didnt want to miss any chance of getting to talk to him. :(

but now i have no clue what happened with us. i wish i knew. i wish i could go back and fix whatever it was.

the crazy thing, is it seems that no matter what happens with us, even if we "lose touch" for awhile, we always end up talking again. and it (almost) always feels like old times. and right along with the feeling of old times is the feeling of "omg he's the one". the rush through my veins when i see him come online, when he would message me. the sweet things he would do and say to me. just the simple act of him telling me about his day, totally made me feel great. he's still got my heart. i know it. i feel it. i still get the same feelings when he comes on and when he talks to me. heh he does funny things to me, funny things i cant even begin to describe, to say the least.. o.O

its funny... i never know what to put in these bloggie things... but when im thinking about him, i can go on and on and on... and on... lol you get the idea... its like i can never say enough about him.. heh he probably doesnt want me going on and on about him anymore :( but i cant help it. hes still the only thing on my mind. he still gives me them chills and flutters.. i wonder if he feels them too o.O i wonder if hes ever felt the same things i feel... :O

heh he also thinks i never bothered to look up this one in particular thing... but hes wrong. i did when he told me bout it. the first couple sites i tried to see were blocked, but i found more.. and yeah i read through it but i didnt understand it at all. maybe im just too stupid to understand it, i dunno, but :/ it wouldnt be as hard if someone would explain it to me, but of all the people i asked, no one knew anything about it. and i didnt wanna bring it up and ask him a bunch of questions about it.. for one i didnt want him thinking i was <i>that</i> stupid, and two.. he said he didnt like talking about it, so i didnt wanna be all bugging him, making him talk about something that he didnt wanna talk about... i care a lot about him. after everything, i still care about him more than anything in this world. but does he realize it? does he know hes the only one i wanna be with? does he know i still love him?? this is sooo hard :( !!! and here i am, pouring my heart out to this stupid mindsay blog.. its so easy to jus blurt my feelings out here, but to say it TO him.. HA.. its sooo hard... its crazy.. i used to be able to tell him anything. but now im too scared all the time. not that hes hard to talk to, coz hes not. and its not really that im afraid to tell him, coz i dun think i am.. i mean, i want him to know how i feel and all but its jus the answers im afraid of..

but then at the same time its not a certain answer im looking for. i mean yeah i DO wish he felt the same as i do still but i dont want him to say something just bcoz he thinks its what i want to here. i dont wanna be led on, or "protected" i hate people saying certain things jus coz they're afraid of hurting me. dont worry about it please. im used to being disappointed. im used to being hurt. but im a big girl. i can take it. ill get over it. ill be fine, in time. i just want him to be completely honest with me. i would love for him to pour his heart out to me the way i feel like doing to him. i just want to know what he wants and how he feels and what hes thinking. but he doesnt have to tell me anything, if he doesnt want to. i respect that.

do i even deserve him anymore? :( am i even good enough for him?? :/ heh... i should just shut up about it..

*sighs*

okay well on to something else...

we actually have snow :D yay! mom an i went out an shoveled da ice bumps lol from the alley :) it was funny. until i stabbed muh foot with the shovel :( and not the plastic snow shovel. the old rusty-ed up square-ish shovel... OW! but eh i jus took a break, played wit scoob a lil, then went back to tha alley an shovelededed some more :P

oh oh im going down to Kentucky the first of March, if the weather isnt totally icky :) yep. gonna go stay a couple days in the town mom an i totally owned when we lived there awhile back :D gonna hit up our fave places :D hehe speedway, dee's, chineeeeeeeeese, etc.... lol :) omg i sooo cant wait!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D we're gonna check out the apartments and stuff and mayb get back in the ones we had before... just gonna be there for a weekend.. but eh im super psyched and of course as you probably already guessed, im totally taking my cam and getting a shitload of pics lol im taking my comp with me, coz the hotel has free highspeed wireless internet :D wOOt! :D

hm.. okay well im getting tired, and hungry so im gonna go get some food and then probably head off to bed or something... i dunno.. but yeah, ill post more here later. or next time i need to vent, lol

byeeeeeeeeee

<3